Tea at Fancyson Manor
by Hgmuffin-stuff
Summary: Squilliam invites Squidward for tea to reminisce on high school days, while Squidward tries to prove that he is a success. Prequel to Methods, but stands alone too. Squid/Squill.
1. Chats

**Tea at Fancyson Manor**

_by Hg Muffin-Stuff_

**  
Chats**

A sunny, wonderful spring day. Squidward Tentacles availed himself of the opportunity to perfect his bluish glow. Just needed to apply a little bit of lotion to his nose. There - now he was ready to -

RRRing! Ring ring!

"Oh! Now who could that -"

"Rrin-" He snatched his phone up off the table.

"Hello?" Squidward asked, slightly annoyed.

"Hello, Squiddy darling!" That voice. Too damn enchanting. In fact, so damn bewitching he was irritating.

"S-S-Squilliam?" Squidward gulped. It was Squilliam, Squilliam fucking Fancyson. Too many wounds to hold him close to his heart, too many memories to kick him to the curb. "What do you want?" he asked, trying to regain his cool.

"I just wanted to know if you would be interested in stopping by my place this afternoon for tea again."

"Why would I want to do that?"

"I thought we could talk, you know, reminisce about old times together, eh ol' chum?"

"You mean all the times you upstaged me?" Squidward said, unable to suppress the bitterness in his voice. This was just like Squilliam. He'd invite Squidward for a friendly chat over tea, then use it as an opportunity to flaunt his success. Well, he wasn't biting this time.

"I mean all the fun times we had together. Remember when I put itching powder in the jocks' gym shorts after they called us band fags?"

Squidward chuckled. "You've always been such a little bitch, Squilliam."

Squilliam grinned. "Don't I know it? Now, are you coming or not, Squiddy? I need to know how many hors-d'oeuvres to tell the chefs to prepare."

_This could be your big chance, Squiddy! I can prove to Squilliam that I'm successful - but I have to be careful not to lie about myself like I've done before._ _I know! I'll flaunt my debut symphony at the Bikini Bottom Symphony Orchestra. That'll show him not to toy with Squidward Q. Tentacles._


	2. Pampering

**Tea at Fancyson Manor**

_by Hg Muffin-Stuff_

**Pampering**

Squidward entered, where he was greeted by a buzzer and a doorman. Squilliam approached the doorman, tapped his shoulder and said, "I'll take it from here," and escorted Squidward through his mansion himself instead of a butler.

As they walked through the expansive corridors, Squidward asked, "Your butler have the day off?"

Squilliam licked his bottom lip and said, "No, I'm just giving you the personal touch," lingering on the 'r' in 'personal' and placing his arm around Squidward's back. He guided Squidward to the elevator and activated the whirlpool bath; he added a lavender soap, arm still firmly gripping Squidward's back, but never relinquishing his business-as-usual face.

They reached his romantic grotto, where there was a table with a fancy burgundy cloth and several waiters carrying trays of various hors-d'oeuvres. "Make yourself comfortable, Squiddy," said Squilliam, as some butlers placed a footrest in front of his chair, squirted some light perfume, tied a napkin to Squidward's neck, and started giving him a pedicure and foot massage. Squidward took an hors-d'oeuvre as Squilliam seated himself, elbow on the table and chin resting on his hand, staring at Squidward. "You look cute when you eat, Squiddy."

"What's that?" Squidward asked, fork tines still poised between rows of teeth.

"I said you look good in that suit." Okay, so he only took the gay down a notch. Good enough.

"Oh, uh - thank you. You look, um, good...too." Squidward eyed him suspiciously. Stirring his iced tea with a gentle slow motion as he looked at Squidward, Squilliam looked downright sexy.

"It's very striking for a peasant-suit. Where'd you get it?"

"Fine Tailoring, down Coral Avenue."

"Hmm. Rather upscale for a cashier."

Squilliam's condescension grated on him. "A little intelligent planning, and I can easily afford to have the finer things in my life."

"And you chose your finest clothes for our little afternoon affair. I'm touched."

They discussed such things as when the bassoonist got a boner for the flutist and kept trying to cover it with sheet music and hit the flutist on the head with the bassoon, when the sheet music was all changed to be "school is out for summer", and so forth.

Squilliam dabbed at his lips with a fancy monogrammed napkin. "Remember when our senior year history teacher called you Squidward Testacles and called me Squilliam Faggyson? During roll call or something."

Squidward swallowed about five sips of hot tea at once, burning his throat. He tried to save face by nibbling on a scone. "Actually, that's what he always called me." His face burned red.

"He was such a pedo anyway. The way he'd leer at me sometimes, I'd swear he was. You didn't want to do anything about him, though, just finish out the year."

"He really shouldn't have insulted the richest kid in the city."

"And his boyfriend." Squilliam sipped his tea. "Really, Squiddy, there's no shame in fighting that kind of sexual harassment, especially when you have a kickass legal team."

"Thanks again for giving me the settlement money."

"It's not as if I needed it. Besides, that wasn't the real settlement anyway."

_Oh, Neptune,_ Squidward thought. _The real settlement._

"Remember that, Squiddy? Revenge sex is the best, isn't it?"

"Maybe for you it was."

"You know what I mean. I liked other times better probably, but the thrill...Getting up on the desk of your homophobic teacher and making a sweet symphony together while he stands guard outside. It's the stuff of fantasies."

"Maybe _your_ fantasies." Squidward sipped his tea, while Squilliam licked the tip of his scone seductively. Squidward put a hand to his cheek as he began to blush. "Okay, so it _was_ pretty hot. But it wasn't the best."

"Oh, I knew that. You took a few years to perfect your style."

"Okay, Squilliam, you really need to stop with -"

"Why are you acting so high and mighty suddenly, Squiddy? It's not like I was the one who suggested we fuck on the teacher's desk. I just asked that he apologize to you sincerely, and you said you weren't satisfied that it was genuine. I loved your spontaneity, as if caution was a foreign concept to you. I liked that the most about you, I think. Too bad it ended up destroying you."

"Now, wait a minute, I didn't 'destroy myself,'" in an indignant tone, Squidward protested this characterization of him, already nervous about his bringing out their prior relations.

"You didn't think about what would happen if you didn't succeed, even after it was glaringly obvious you wouldn't."

"Hold on! It's never been 'glaringly obvious' as you put it, that I wouldn't succeed! Why, just last month I composed a critically acclaimed symphony for the Bikini Bottom Symphony Orchestra, I'll have you know."

"Oh, yes, I heard about that." More than heard about it; he'd purchased a copy of the score on opening night and rhapsodized about it over a glass of sauvignon-blanc. "Congratulations, honey; apparently you did learn something about composition during your stay at community college. Four years, was it?"

Squidward wasn't sure whether to be pissed at his haughty demeanor or to be grateful that he wasn't coming up with a way to turn his accomplishment to dust.

Squilliam said, "Still, you're not a working composer like I am, so why didn't you ever open up a restaurant, or get into some kind of business, be an art dealer or something? There are plenty you'd be successful in, yet you stubbornly cling to your fast food drudgery."

"I have my priorities. My art comes first, even if it means putting up with a job like this."

"But this isn't the life you want, I'm sure."

"Maybe you're right, Squilliam. Maybe it's all pointless after all."

"Eugh. Squidward, you are so fascinating, but you are such a downer. Why don't you relax in the spa for awhile? Here's some soap, an herbal mix, and bath beads." He handed the bath items (contained in a fancy woven basket) to Squidward.

Squidward didn't think it particularly strange that Squilliam carried these with him to tea. The guy walked around in a robe, after all.


	3. Requests

**Tea at Fancyson Manor**

_by Hg Muffin-Stuff_

**Requests**

He eased into the spa, and once he had grown quite relaxed, Squilliam approached, said, "Hey, Squiddy, mind if I come in?"

Squidward waved him in, said, "Sure, why not?"

"Hey, Squiddy?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you mind doing me a favor?" Squilliam asked, stroking Squidward's nose.

"Anything you want," said Squidward dreamily, starting to giggle at Squilliam's tickling motions.

"Would you mind if I - sat in your lap?"

"Not at all."

Squilliam bristled with excitement and leaned against Squidward, pulling his hands over his shoulders as he hoisted himself on top of Squidward, breathing softly yet rapidly against his chest. "You smell like lilac, Squidward."

"I do; it's my scented-"

"I love it."

"Are you sure? It's crappy poor-people soap."

"It works on you."

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?"

"Yes, I swear."

"Why do you care what I smell like anyway, Squilliam? What does it matter to you?"

"It's nice when we're close, to be able to smell nice things together, doncha think, Squiddy? Isn't that why you used that lilac soap?"

"And why you used that lavender cologne?"

"You noticed!"

"How could I not? It's very distinctive." Squilliam started to massage Squidward's shoulders, and they sank further into the bubbly spa. After a few minutes, Squidward groaning a few times in pleasure, Squilliam grew anxious and scarcely able to contain himself any longer.

"Squilliam, why are you doing all this for me? Why aren't you hissing the second I look your way, or calling me a loser?" Before Squilliam could process the question, however, he'd already begun sucking on Squidward's neck, forcing a gasp and a tiny squeal out of Squidward before he moaned a small bit and then tried to gently push Squilliam away, his head turned, face flushing.

Squilliam chuckled, touching Squidward's cheek. "It's always fun making out with you, Squiddy. The sounds you make are so delicious I could eat them for breakfast."

"That's the only reason you invited me over? You wanted to make me moan for you?"

"I invited you because I wanted to reminisce with you. However, when you look so sexy, I can't keep my suction cups off you, now can I?"

"You think I look sexy? I mean, Squilliam, stop touching me there!" Squilliam was stroking Squidward's thighs with several tentacles as he spoke. Squidward pushed him roughly away. "What kind of pervert are you, anyway?"

"The kind you'd like to fuck." Squidward gulped in intimidation. Squilliam was the definition of smooth-talker.

"Squilliam, I don't - I don't do that kind of thing." Squilliam smirked.

"That's not what it sounded like at band camp when you screamed for me in that secluded meadow on the hilltop. Eh, Squiddy?"

"That was different. Back then I thought I might actually - I only do that with people I love." Squidward crossed his arms and looked the other way.

"I understand. You must not get much action." Squidward grumbled. Squilliam nodded. "Mm-hm. Precisely. Such a shame, too. Nice piece of ass like that shouldn't get neglected. I would play with yours every day if you gave me the chance."

"Squilliam, would you stop hitting on me?!"

"I don't know. Would you stop pretending you don't like it?"

"Okay, so maybe I like the attention a little, but I really don't want to sleep with you. You might be hot, but I'd feel dirty afterward."

"We could take a bath. Would you feel less dirty if we did that?"

"NO! I'd feel dirty because you're a dirty bastard, and I don't care how much I want to fuck you, I refuse to degrade myself to the point of having sex with someone who publicly humiliates me for kicks."

"Please, please, Squiddy, please. I know I've done some bad things, and I need to be punished, desperately."

Squidward bit his lower lip. "Squilliam, don't hurt me like this."

"How am I hurting you? All you have to do is say, 'oh, yes, baby, I'll take you now,' and all that pain will go away."

"You know I can't do that."

"Of course you can, darling."

"Just...just shut up, okay?" Squidward said, tearfully, as he lifted himself out of the spa and marched toward the elevator in the nude, snatching his clothes as a waiter reached out with them.

"Sheesh, what's got up his ass lately?" Squilliam said, eating one of Squidward's half-eaten scones in a single bite.


End file.
